ah just break already, heart.

it’s been years and years that i’ve been wondering, searching and longing.  i went from a state of desperation for love, to a state of devouring all love that came to me and finally to this state of turning most all love away.  maybe it’s a path to independence.  maybe it’s a plague for my heart, my withering and cooling heart.

i sit there and look at you and i can feel so many different emotions spewing from my mind and heart.  like in that movie where the sewers start exuding thousands of gallons of puss colored water into the streets — maybe that was a dream actually.  i don’t know which ones to express and which to suppress so i get all tangled up in this emotion ribbon of indecision like a kitten, tearing the ribbon into stringy remains so unrecognizable that i can’t even get out a word.  speechless in the worst way possible.

as i limp through my thoughts i think about how different my reaction to this conundrum would be depending on my age.  some might say my maturity but i don’t know that my way of dealing with this is any more mature than slipping notes dripping in love under your pillow that probably just got washed with the pillowcase and tossed aside as lint.  or more mature than buying you a promise ring from some fancy boutique even though all you wanted was a nice pair of winter boots to keep your feet warm.  my letters are just as smeared, my representation of love just as flawed, my sense of value as skewed as it ever has been.

i don’t have an excuse for my lackadaisical approach of love these days.  both physical and emotional it seems like i just waft through the kisses, the hugs, the smiles and the sex as though i were repeating a rote task such as washing my hair or cleaning the dishes.  the lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with you.  in fact i’ve never loved one in this way before.  the lack of enthusiasm maybe is a last ditch effort of my mind, flailing to prevent myself from cuddling and smiling.  to push myself to venture out on my own before i become a prisoner like i’ve seen happen to so many.

without misery life is hardly any fun just as schopenhauer said that life without pain has no meaning.  i guess i had enough pain in the far past to give the past couple years a lot of meaning and to push my growth beyond where i expected to ever be.  i know no buildings are going to burn down but I know that I have a couple broken windows and they are definitely self-inflicted.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT A GOOD PLAYLIST

I’ve been very strange about relationships lately. I guess once you hit that forte you have a hard time with the rest cause it’s all a downhill march.

I’m okay with the downhill march now. I smile and I wink and I love but it’s strange meeting that epoch and moving on. I’ve tried everything from late night dating shows to early morning meet ups. Then I noted with a single breath that it’s not a goal to find something better, it’s to look for something different.

I’ll be leaving you soon, I’ll be leaving all of this soon, and somehow that doesn’t make it any better. I’m committed but in such a non-committal way that it’s perfect. I couldn’t imagine anything more, and I couldn’t hope for anything less. Bordering on that precipice of love and offense we walk along and smile like no one knows we’re nervous about walking on upturned razor blades. We bleed out our feet along the pavement and once the blood has ended we try to cry but the tears don’t come.

Malnutrition nothing.

The worst part is if you step on my heart in the middle of the road where all can see I’ll still love you the way I did when I spotted you across the room.

The best part is if I step on your heart in the middle of the road where all can see you’ll still love me the way you did when you spotted me across the room.

Beautiful repetition is the name of the game.  Lost in my own dreams of what could be but what already is suddenly is the reality.

I’ll hold you, I’ll cuddle you, I’ll support you, I’ll build you up and I’ll give you my all.  All I want is reciprocation, is that so much to ask?  Come to me, tell me.  I need it too but I’d never say it.

confusing morning

You know I’ve had a confusing morning. Waking up at 5am. Making delicious eggs. Having a strange conversation. Having a beer. Writing some code.

I was scared that today might be a backstep — that today might make my recently unwavering decisions moot. I’ve decided I’m not going to do that. The events of the past five months have been quite amazing. I’m almost always alone but I’m hardly ever lonely. Missing only a few people as opposed to missing anyone who I know. I’m maturing and changing and I think that things are going right as wrong as some people might think they are.

I am smart. I am dedicated. I am able. I am strong. I am me. I will never underestimate myself. Not now, not ever. I did before and it ended up hurting me a lot.

The next step isn’t on this block or on this city though. The next step isn’t moving out of my parent’s place and getting some job. The next step is much bigger. The next step is something real.

I’m saying this to myself. You tried it once, try it again. I love you and you’re my inspiration. Maybe watch Amanda’s YouTube video a few more times.

well, fuck everybody — amen

there are a million little strings attached
to every choice you make
you can destroy your life every time you choose
but maybe you won't know for twenty years

I’ve been very introspective for the past several weeks. I have so many people to thank for this. I’ve been in this cycle — my immediate next phrase was “for the past couple months” — for my entire life. Let’s be real, I’ve been teetering on the brink of something wonderful for a very long time. Small (and large) puffs of smoke have been expelled from my engine in my travel but really those aren’t best described as expelled waste but rather as notes on a very long sheet of music. Maybe I should say that fortes and crescendos on this (so far) epic and beautiful symphony of my life.

Well now I’m moving on, we’re all moving on, and the music isn’t over, we’re just moving to the next book or the next page or the next note. I’ve been so in love for so long and it hasn’t been with me because I was too afraid. I’m sick of thinking “I’m average” or “I did a pretty good job” and I’m looking more towards phrases like “damn I am really amazing” or “your effort has not gone unnoticed.” I am a great person with a lot to give and I’ve been settling for second best. I’ve been accepting the bronze when I know I’ve won the gold.

To all of those people, to all those friends, to all those loves. Your investment has paid off and if you’ve kept stock it’s finally split and your investment has paid off more so because I’m not Nick Krut mild mannered developer anymore. I’m Nick Krut, defender of the free world (or at least your recently microwaved food at the closest party). And if you need something, I’m a phone call away and if I need something I’ve realized I can call on you. I’ve finally seen the face of love, it’s called “ego” — thank god I’ve finally acquired one.

OZ 751

I sat there on the plane
eyes shut
My shirt was wet, it felt like my chest
pissed itself

I might burn this house down when I get there.
I contemplated
I sipped the coffee in the
red cup

Nodded at the attendant
I abuse my liver all the time
My kidneys need a smack or two
I'm thinking two

I bitterly look at the family with
three young kids
shocked with their ability to

pro-create.
Procreation is apparently smelly
and loud

write about love

you know…

i’ve written about your eyes.  i’ve written about your kisses.  i’ve never wrote or maybe communicated about your love.

when i feel it — disarmingly rare as it might be — it’s overwhelming.  i know that i’m a demanding lover, i know that you’re a demanding lover but somehow we communicate and understand.

“i’m no good at comforting”

i’ve never felt so

comforted

before.

i think the problem and the solution is that we are so nonchalant about us.  everyone knows that we’re in love but it can be shrugged off as though we’ve never spoken.  i’m glad we’ve spoken, your words often complement my thoughts in the most wondeful of ways.  let’s continue to love, let’s continue to shrug one another off.

if i’ve ever had a better friend i’m glad i lost whoever it might’ve been because i’m sure no one has ever understood me like this.

he forgot again

it’s been a week since they had spoke.

he couldn’t decide if it was the laughter, the cutting or the crying that threw her off but it must’ve been one of them.  he picked at his arm trying to figure out where this scratch had even come from.  taking the pieces of skin off of his arm, and throwing them in the trash carefully making sure not to get them on the floor.

irritated.  irritated.  irritated.  irritated.

he looked out the window while it rained and thought about being soaked and smelly in that park.  he thought about being in that courtyard drunk barely communicating about things that didn’t matter.  he thought about being in that cold room writhing knowing that the only thing that could cure this sickness was her.  he giggled and thought, “i don’t need no doctor, cause i know what’s eating me.  i been too long away from my baby, i’m coming down with the misery.”  it was more of a cackle at this point.

he looked back up and paged through the notes that she had sent him on that long trip.  each one labeled with a day number, somehow not one day lacked a note.  he opened up the notebook and saw his scribbling from when she had been out of town, those notes that he never had the courage to give to her, those notes that expressed what he meant rather than expressing what he thought he should mean.  these notes weren’t as consecutive.  one, five, twelve, fourteen, twenty-one.  why did he only write on the days he missed her?  why did he only write on the days he didn’t cry because he was missing her so badly?  why did he…

the notes started to make sense.  you see, she wrote every day but it was out of love not desperation.  his notes were out of desperation but echoed love. he realized at that moment while looking at her smile and thinking about the last time he’d locked eyes with her and smiled.  that was it, it wasn’t that his actions threw her off, it wasn’t the lack of his actions either, it was her own actions which moved her.  he felt better.  but only a little bit.  as the happiness passed over his face, so did her hair.  he grabbed her side, turned around in the bed and held onto her loosely.

he had, once again, forgotten.  not all that i do is the cause of what you do.  not all of my mistakes cause you harm.

it’s a good thing they don’t keep sharp objects in here

I wrote on my calendar Last week.  i blocked Out the entire week of april 3rd-10th, 2009.

we rescheduled.

from may 10th-20th i was Very busy working with a new client on a project.  we decided that june would be a better month.  june wasn’t a good month for a meeting.  i was out of town and you, well you were broken into pieces from that last date you had which i knew all the details about.

Every time though, we ended up figuring out a new time, tomorrow becoming Yesterday and today becoming tomorrow.  ah, then i was out of town for a very long time.  i had gone somewhere to do something to help something with someone for some( )reason.

One morning we met up.  coffee and scones if i remember correctly, not the best scones.  you complained about your cell phone but awarded it the “most times run over be a vehicle” prize.  i got some delicious foodstuffs and we went on our way, who knew that would put us where this is, certainly not me.  i’m not complaining.

as Usual i ended up complicating your life with simplicity.  i added onto your speed bumps, pushed you to write that guy in california and even opened up that door in the basement that we were both pretty sure contained poison — it didn’t.

let’s open more doors together but let’s be less careful

the shakeup of nick krut

“i long to hold you in my arms and sway — kiss and ride on the c.t.a.”

These past couple months have been… different.  I’ve been loved and loved and it’s been wonderful.  Right now is a time for change though.  With many of the loved ones gone or leaving I find myself panicking and probably annoying most everyone who loves me — I’m sorry guys.  It really is amazing how much everyone gaining can make me lose, but my loss is worth the value that others are gaining.

I’ve met so many new people who I’ve fallen in love with and realized how many losses I’ve had by losing some of the people I’ve shrugged off.  I’ve been reminded of old passions and of things I haven’t pursued but I’ve also been reminded of my many successes and how proud I am of myself.  I left High School with a passion and no real plan and I’ve ended up here with a good job, a supportive friend group and so much potential and opportunities.  I really couldn’t have done it though without these small and big loves.

Every day is one day closer to me moving there and you moving elsewhere.  Every day is one day closer to me being a true individual with very few in-state family ties.  Every day is one day closer to change and while I like to stir my coffee a lot I’ve found change can be quite the adversary.  I love you, and you, and you.  And you all love me.  No matter where we are, no matter what we do, we’ll always at least have the love.  I’m going to have to meet at least ten awesome people to replace the two I’m losing.

You’ve made me smile and reminded me of the realities of love.  You’ve held my hand and you’ve believed in me when I’ve most needed it.  And I’ve given you the same.  The reality of the battle is that if all of the soldiers put down their guns everyone could just be happy.  Love isn’t a feeding frenzy, love is a construction project without a blueprint.  Sometimes we have to go back and re-lay the foundation.  I guess once the building is built it’s hard to not to make alterations.  I guess once the building is built it’s tempting to crush it, to break it down.  It’s like sand castles when you’re a kid.

Regardless.  The past couple months have been different and wonderful.  I’m okay with keeping this flashlight hat on and walking through the dark with you, and you, and you.