i can’t sleep
Posted on September 9, 2008I haven’t actually tried yet.
I don’t know what’s going through my mind recently. I’m happy but I’m sad. There is so much in my life to be grateful for. I get lost in my own mind. It’s like how when I’m supposed to be doing one thing I’m trying to hide the fact that I’m sleeping or when I should be sleeping I can’t stop thinking about what I should be doing.
I’m overcome.
It’s strange to be in this place. In this place where years ago I would so willingly accept, now I’m worried about the impacts. I feel like I should forget my fears and jump in but at the same time no one is going to go and do that now.
I’m relaxed.
It’s been so long since I’ve let go of the reins. Since I closed my eyes and wasn’t freaking out about what I should be doing or what I should have said. Being free is something that I’m not entirely fond of because I hold myself to such standards. You’d think that over the years I’ve been like this I would have beat out this beast but I haven’t.
I’m spoiled.
I stand here all alone. There are several people in the room with me but none of them are holding my hand, none of them are looking me in the eye, none of them are drawing out detailed charts. I want them to, but if they did I wouldn’t listen anyway. Why do I want others to create a plan for me that I have no intent of listening to? All of them have stopped writing plans up and are instead writing their own poetry and I’m not even a main character.
I’m not depending on anything to fix me, I’m waiting for something to come along and tell me it can’t be done.
I’m waiting for someone to tell me it can‘t be done.
Why won’t someone feed me that simple lie and let me fall into that web?
Categories: everyday
I talked to a friend about this and asked him to do that a few months back (also in september) and he got weirded out and haven’t seen him for weeks… I hope he’s not mentally cripple since I asked him out the blue and used much similar terms to those that you used.
21.10.2008 00:14